Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
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Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…