Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
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Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.