Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum