Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

ouch

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.