Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

There is wisdom there.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.