Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.