Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
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They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?