Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.