Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.