Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.