Them: You shouldn’t hang around the wrong people..
Me: First of all I am the bad influence
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I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
I’m not average. I’m mean.