Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
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There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
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Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
philosophical skeletons be like
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look at me when i’m typing to you
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.