Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
You Might Also Like
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
why neck hurt
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.