Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”