Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

NEW YORKERS: we need more housing

DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?

NEW YORKERS: no, real housing

DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

buys donuts instead