Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
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He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I mean…but I did
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant