Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
You Might Also Like
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Yup!
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.