Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
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Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?