Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
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unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw