Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.