Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

due date

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart