Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

also my go-to takeaway order

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.