Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

B

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

😜

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.