Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
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[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.