Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
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I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
shazam but for random noises outside
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.