Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
You Might Also Like
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Had an epiphany today.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
That’s what I call a flat tire
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction