Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.