Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
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I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.