Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long do you have to wait between naps?

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

This is amazing.

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.