them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
You Might Also Like
next question.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Is your wife single?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
i’m sure it’s fine
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow