them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
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Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*lint rolls you awake*
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please