them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

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My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”


which part of the centaur carries the centaur babies is it the lady torso or the horse torso and why can’t I stop thinking about this


I won’t block you, but I will put a curse on you that you’ll never be able to finish a sneeze ever again for the rest of your life.


WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right


So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.


Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.


Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did


Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.


Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.


As a grown woman with no children or morals to slow me down, I will have a definite advantage during tomorrow’s family Easter egg hunts.