Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
me: dropbear gobstoppers
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, “thank you baby jesus” and left.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy