them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men