them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.


God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.


Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….


Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.


[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.


me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders


I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, “thank you baby jesus” and left.


*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.


Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy