them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security