them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.