Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

You better wish for more oil

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.