Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
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Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.