Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

*serious situation*

My brain:

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.