Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

In Canada they just call them geese

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.