Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
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[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Very good news from my accountant
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.