Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the cat got the dog high.

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

This did not end as expected.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

ㅤ

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.