Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

did it work

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making

I’m not lazy

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.