Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

mmm onion ringos

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

The First Farmer