Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.