Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
The 4 stages of a family vacation
