Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

Jus’ sayin. 😐

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*