Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
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I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”