Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
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Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
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Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.