Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
im all 3
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.