Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
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I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I put the p in pants.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Thursday Thought.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.