Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*