Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?