Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

hardest line in real life

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

I feel this so hard

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there