Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
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I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
So we got a goldfish…
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.