Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
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alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
(more comics:
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
58.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes