Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.