Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
awkward
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Lmfao
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?