Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

😂🐾

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.