Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
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Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…