Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
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ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube