… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
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When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Jail
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.