Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
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My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
The days of good grammer has went
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.