Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
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Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”