Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Smooooooth
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood