Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

I have many caverns