Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”