Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

motivation

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.