Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
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I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
💀 😭
