“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP