Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

You can’t outrun your problems…

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…