“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
best first i’ve ever seen
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
This is I, Robot all over again
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes