“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
BRAKING NEWS!!
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words