“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Good morning
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT