Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?