Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

Rooting for the overdog

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…