Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

That’s commitment

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

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