Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score