Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
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“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.