Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

Not all heroes wear capes…

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today