Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

The fall of Netflix

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

this FaceApp is creepy af

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.